Hindsight Is 20/20

Published May 5, 2012 by decramer26

Have you ever been different?  I, personally, have been different all of my life.  When I was a kid, I was pretty anti-social.  I would sit in the hallway and read instead of play at recess.  And, funnily enough, my best friend then AND now, was the one kid who sat next to me doing the same thing that I was.

 

 

My family has always frowned upon the things that I do.  My political views (because I am neither Republican or Democrat. I see that both sides have their points) have earned me being called a Communist MORE than once.  My tattoos are looked at as a disgrace (even though EVERY SINGLE ONE holds a meaning for me and they weren’t pointless).  When I was 19 and I had my labret pierced, I got kicked out of my grandmothers shop.  Basically, what I’m getting at here is that I have always been different.

 

When I first started practicing Wicca at the age of 16, I didn’t tell my family.  The way that I looked at it was “Why should I add something else to the odds already stacked against me?”  I kept it secret and hid who I was and the other day I discovered that I did that for most of my life.

 

When I was 16 years old, I was looking into a couple of options as to what I could do after I graduated high school.  I really wanted to go to college, but was also considering the military.  My grandfather was in the Air Force and I knew that it would be a course of action that my family would approve of.  The day after my 17th birthday, after my college ideas being ignored and pushed aside, I enlisted in the Air Force with my mother and grandparents consent.

 

12 years later, here I sit, in front of this keyboard, trying to get some sort of handle on my previous decisions.  A couple of days ago is when I realized that, when I was a kid, I was living for everyone else.   My decision to enlist was because I wanted my family’s approval.  My decision not to tell them that I was Wiccan was because I didn’t want to disappoint them.  I started trying to commit suicide at the age of 8 and the feeling did not go away until after my divorce in 2005.

 

I came out of the broom closet to my family, finally.  My grandmother practically hung up on me when I told her.  I had the conversation with my 1st cousin that basically went “I don’t agree with you, but I still love you”.  His daughter is more supportive about it.  I’ve been asked that we (myself and my kiddos) wear our pentacles inside our clothing at family functions.

 

I can handle being respectful.  Especially if the family function is held at someones house.  But for the first time in I can’t even recall how long, I’m finally living for me.  I’m no longer trying to please anyone but myself.  And THAT is the best feeling of all.

 

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2 comments on “Hindsight Is 20/20

  • That is so sad that you tried to commit suicide when u were only 8 but I am glad you’re ok now. It is good to live for yourself. But the only person in my family I have told I am Pagan is my Mom.

  • The purpose of the telling of this was not to dwell on that fact, with the exception of understanding why I hated myself so much at such a young age. I wasn’t what people wanted me to me. The moral of this story is learn to love and be yourself.

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